eight

sometimes, i get the feeling that i was weaned on bad luck and paranoia.
it is a damn miracle how i could force myself to smile and look at the bright side of things.


at times i'm sick of playing pretend that everything will turn out okay.


but... is it absurd to conclude that pretending to be full of sunshine keeps me alive?


if anyone of you watches samurai x... you'll understand what i am about to say.
i feel like i'm the real version of the pollyana henchman of shishio- i think the boy's name is soujiro... no matter how many times he gets hit, or abused.. he still manages to smile. because he claimed that it dampens the pangs the pain brings.


here's to pain (i feel like a pink goth... :p)


i try to look at the sun
by:kang... the pink goth :)


i try to look at the sun when they say bad things about me
and when they step on my self-esteem train
and claim: "we didn't mean to do so."
when people look at me and jeer about how dirty my uniform is
or how i don't seem to care how they feel


why is it so hard to please you?


moreover; why is it so hard to please me?


i try to look at the sun when there is no food on the table
and oily food on the fridge.
when i cook food: it magically disappears.
i try to look at the sun when my stomach churns
or when i realize i have not got enough cash to get a fix...


why is it easy to hunger for the things you don't have?


think about it... why is it hard to swallow what you've already got?


i try to look at the sun when my mother backstabs me
or when people judge me according to the girth of my waist
and the fat in my calves.
when my enemies want to cleave the entirety of my dignity into quarters.
i try to look at the sun when i cannot see "him"
there for me.
because nobody likes "him"
for me.


tell me this... why is it difficult to make people understand your good intentions?


and why is it a breeze to destroy others' day by being apathetic and rude?


i try to look at the sun when i feel blinded by the bad things around me
because i'd rather be blinded by hope and optimism (even if you do believe they died ten seconds ago) for my good cause.


i try to look at the sun... my sun.
even if there is a rainbow, a moon or a star up in the sky...


simply because... like me and my hopes...
the sun's light and energy won't go out...
even if it wants to.
just because... it has to... or rather...
it just stays lit and warm
for other people to see it too.



---------hey... i feel better already! :)