confessions of a struggling poet

thrty-two, three and four

2006-12-10T22:37:00.000+08:00

this poem is not written by me. it is by mr. alfonso santos- a filipino poet. i dedicate this poem to a friend of mine whom i had a falling out with recently. i miss her- and i doubt that she misses me too.

carla, here's one for you...

thirty two: etude in blue

It is not so much the sadness of the night
nor the loneliness of the sea
that cuts through the heart
as it is the memory
of a tenderness now turned to spite
a devotion now changed to indifference

Ah! if memory could be wiped away
and thought were but flesh to die--
then sorrow would have no lasting pain
nor grief a history that hurts
-- Alfonso Santos
---------------------------

thirty-three: water cycle
in the most desolate of nights
the mere thought of you
washes the anxiety in
my heart...

closed and

unloving

away...

down the riverbanks of my present
to my mind's oceans-- my forgotten past
to be evaporated by the sun of sweet tomorrow...
and mesh with the clouds of my memories

only to become the rain that feeds the greenery that we stand on...

---- this actually, is a spur of the moment poem...

----------------------------
thirty four: MAY

in afternoons like these
i look at you
and my heart shouts out

words of joy that

pencils can't sketch
paint can't fill in
and my words can't immortalize

remind me

to thank the sun
for sharing it's light
to frame the contours of your perfect body

you look at me

like i am delicate china.

i turn my back on you- because i think otherwise

and i find myself thanking the bed we lie on
for embracing us warmly
while we made love

i can hear my mind...

thanking my eyes for waking up to today
and my feet for being fast enough to walk, to run...

i cup your face in my right hand.

i feel a waterfall of invisible tears flowing out in all the crevices of my body.

this incomparable feeling of completeness...
has taken over me.

(9:54PM)

---- this one's for you, koibito :)

------------------------------------------

ahh.... what coffee can do for a poet's blood! i've posted 2 original poems today. both of them spur of the moment creations. 2 of them for the same person :)

good night

thirty-one

2006-09-24T21:15:00.000+08:00

a taglish number to sum up this day.
---------------------------------------

so this is how the cookie crumbles

this is how the gig ends

sabi nga ng batikang si dr. bodjie:
"tapos ang boksing"

sabi ni claro:
"ang dali lang, para ka lang nagbasa ng komiks"

dude, pare, brod, chong...

girl, bruha, beng...

na-lintikan na ang pag-ibig

na-singko ka sa exams

nabullilyaso ang plano

kumulot ang pinarebond mong buhok

and i'm starting to lose my marbles over someone

losing my cool because my heels broke off

i tripped because of that big dark crack on the sidewalk

i didn't even see that coming.

mission impossible?

one word: break.

---------------------------------------------

crystal clear?

thirty

2006-09-19T06:35:00.000+08:00

for some time- i haven't been inspired, you see. i almost forgot what it felt like being the one people told their... dark secrets to... because at one point in my life- i promised myself to stop thinking about others' problems because i've my own. but god knows how hard it is, not caring. especially when you realize that you actually developed a bond with some people- and you get a share of their pain... whether you like it or not.

recently- i'm on an emotional standstill... confused. i ask myself who my real friends are. does my high school barkada still care about what i do? why did i refuse to attend my grade school reunion, but still signed up on the attendance sheet and left as soon as people came in? why am i finding myself feeling scathed by the fact that... i am lost.

i've never felt lost in a very long time.

and no one seems to understand.

and if this turns out like a whiny emo rock song. i'll feel even more sorry

--------------------------------------------

life is a grand garden
like those ones
in castles far, far away.

those gardens
that have those mazes
green, tall, manicured shrubs

and you get lost in it the minute you step foot in it.

you walk farther and farther away...
then all you can see
is greenery.

nothing else.

-----------------------------
hmm.... is green an overused word?

twenty-nine

2006-09-05T19:30:00.000+08:00

i'm going to make a frivolous entry because i feel particularly perky today. it's been a while since i blogged here- maybe it's because i have been uninspired for the longest time.

this one is called what is anticipation?

particularly dedicated to people who dream about forthcoming events.

-------------------------
what is anticipation?

anticipation is shopping out for the perfect top
to show your perfect curves
to lure in the perfect hottie
for the perfect party

the band's playing
your flea market earrings jingling
playing out a
cosmopolitan beat that jives with

the color-play of the strobe lights
and the dance of the laser lights

anticipation is the urge to dance
your blues away

anticipation is the churning of your stomach
because of the fluttering butterflies inside it

waiting to be released from the cage
by an obscure stranger's kiss...

anticipation is the fast clicking of stilletos on the floor

it is in the sway of your hips

it is in the sweat that drips...

it is any wild night party's catalyst.

-------------------
i need hed kandi NOw!!!!

twenty-eight

2006-07-26T19:20:00.000+08:00

this poem is dedicated to myself. to the failures i have let myself slip into recently. to the pain it has caused me.

tell me something i don't know

tell me something i don't know

that there has been a typhoon that made prices rise
that claimed a lot of lives.

the president gave a flashy speech
but the stupid public yells "IMPEACH"

rebels are captured and thrown in jail
all the public does is wail.

the church withdraws support
they tell everyone the government lacks rapport

tell me something i don't know

every night,

i keep reading...
but the pictures like TV images go running...
my grades slowly slipping...

songs leave me heartbroken
self-esteem sunken.

on a downward spiral.

i cry alone.

my solace...

i confide and cry with far away friends...

i am thrown into a vortex not knowing.
forever questioning.

the what ares and what ifs...

tell me something i don't know

i am broke.
i have failed miserably.
i am confused.
i am inadequately done.
i am in tears.

tell me something i don't know.

i am alive.
i am not alone.
i am surrounded by my friends.
i am capable of waking up tomorrow.

--------->
no comment.

twenty-seven

2006-07-25T16:38:00.000+08:00

this poem is called resurrection.

it is dedicated to the people i've loved and hated.

yesterday i died
i died because i was stabbed in the back, front and in the sides
i died because there was nothing and no one to live for.
i died because you took my pride, my love and my pedestal

away from me

yesterday i crawled
all bloody and fetid. the flies swarmed at my heart...
rotting and shredded.

i placed my heart on my palm...
ate it.

*crane was right.. the human heart is bitter.
it becomes bitter as soon as it ceases to love.

that night i cried.
because i envied you, you almost perfect puppet
because i loved you, you demented loveless pig
because i was subject to your torment, you ignorant witch
because i killed my own self... subjected myself to insult

my heart stopped. but i was still moving

but the blood in me didn't run out
my hair didn't fall out
and my tears stopped streaming down

and maybe it happened because fate still wanted me

and destiny... kept me alive all along.

today, i rode a phonenix
she was warm
and she embraced me

she told me:
"do not insult my admiration for you,
i have loved you for so long
but i had to wait before your past died with you.
you... have just been reborn"

i clutched her warm feathers and told her:
"i have waited for you so long..."

then, i felt my skin burn. my wounds healing.

she told me:
"my name is hope."

------------->
wahooooo! a poem! a poem!

twenty-six... from kang with love

2006-07-25T16:20:00.000+08:00

darling,

so many things can happen in 2 months...

my heart was broken. i was depressed. and now, i am thrown into a frenzy of not knowing. honestly- if i were to tell you what went in my mind over the time i left you. i left without saying bood-bye to you. i'm back. and ready to write again. today, i killed an asshole. the burglar who stole the irie vibes in me. i killed his pride. and i can say, that what he was to me before... has died.

it died with my past.

i went to school. failed tests, met new friends. and i guess it's high time letting go of the things that have burdened me for so long.

last sunday- i had a perm. yesterday, i had highlights.

this week. i'm going to do my best. i'll try to cut myself some slack and fix myself. emotionally and physically.

you know what... as much as i want to lie to myself telling my heart and mind that i know who i really am... i guess i don't.

i have to search for my soul again, don't i?

i think so too.

despite the fights, scandals, stupidities and failures i did long ago... maybe there's a damn good reason why i am still alive and i have all my limbs, teeth and hair intact. maybe i am off to a better life. with better people. i'm going to get better grades this time. not going to be depressed because of some prick.

you ask me, where and who?

i don't know, darling... but one thing's for sure.

i will never leave you again.

so stay with me...

------------>
i didn't know why i wrote like that. i just wrote what i felt and what my mind dictated.

HELLO! and i hope you people enjoy the new layout!

twenty-four

2006-05-27T11:17:00.000+08:00

Bituing Walang Ningning

Kung minsan ang pangarap
Habambuhay itong hinahanap
Bakit nga ba nakapagtataka
'Pag ito ay nakamtan mo na
Bakit may kulang pa

Mga bituin aking narating
Ngunit langit ko pa rin ang iyong piling
Kapag tayong dalawa'y naging isa
Kahit na ilang laksang bituin
'Di kayang pantayan ating ningning

CHORUS 1
Balutin mo ako ng hiwaga ng iyong pagmamahal
Hayaang matakpan ang kinang na 'di magtatagal
Mabuti pa kaya'y maging bituing walang ningning
Kung kapalit nito'y walang paglaho mong pagtingin

CHORUS 2
Itago mo ako sa lilim ng iyong pagmamahal
Limutin ang mapaglarong kinang ng tagumpay
Sa piling mo ngayon ako'y bituing walang ningning
Nagkukubli sa liwanag ng ating pag-ibig

[Repeat 2nd Stanza]
[Repeat CHORUS 1]
[Repeat REFRAIN 2 except last line]

Nagkukubli sa liwanag at kislap ng ating pag-ibig
----------------------------->

ayan. sige. baduy.
this is emotion in it's rawest.

"Please don't put your life in the hands of a rock
and roll band who'll throw it all away."

"There's more to life than being in a band. Your friends are what will matter in the end"

those, so far are the most valuable pieces of advice someone gave me. and when i start dreaming those impossible dreams again... i'll record those two sentences and play it again and again and again :) salamat, kuya k :)

twenty-three

2006-05-22T23:40:00.000+08:00

nakanang... two poems in a day... what the hell did i eat!???
(nina... hahaha... alam mo!)

this poem is called love by the millisecond. i don't know what to call it! by the way, entry number 22's title is called "total recall"

here goes...
----------------------------->

love for two,
candelight dinner.
reservation at somewhere fancy-

but...

let's do it.

via webcam.

i see you wearing that divine champagne colored dress... like the one nicole kidman wore. hey... that is nicole kidman.

but your messages tell me something else.

can you love me when you see the real me?

you see, "just a few extra pounds" as i indicated in the profile...
is an understatement.

i'm not latino.

i don't even look like that picture, that's colin farell.

but i can be a bad boy, a real hollywood bad boy. just for you, baby

i love you.

i'm loving every second you type your reply
and my heart beats faster at every message you send me.

i'm falling.

and this is feeling can't get any more foolish
it can't me any more mad.

but i'm loving you.

beyond the profile and photo.

... i think.

------------->
i dedicate this poem to online dating things :)

twenty-two

2006-05-22T18:09:00.000+08:00

today i entered a room,

it was a comfortable room.

it was a familiar room.

it had the same tables that i used to write poems on
it had the same chairs
the pen was in the same place i left it in.

my old room.

it still smelled like tea and musky guy's perfume
it smelled like floral soap and newly ironed towels.

the bed where i cried so much in was still there.
nothing changed.

i laughed so loudly-
i heard an echo

i thought i lost

years ago.

twenty-one

2006-04-30T20:49:00.000+08:00

things you never tell a girl

you don't tell a girl she's fat-
not unless she insists.

you don't tell her that she looks good
when you don't mean it

don't be a hypocrite.

don't swear at her,
be gentle.

don't tell her that she makes you
miserable

or that she gets on your nerves
when you're just playing games

never tell her she's
a no good girl friend.

and when you did tell her that,
don't tell me that i didn't warn you.

spend time with her
talk to her when she's feeling peckish

give her what she wants
if you can.

after all,
it's hard to find someone
who actually cares about you-
and loves you.

no matter how
utterly loveless you are,
you swine.

so when you feel like being careless
and feeling ready to cuss and diss...
step back and breathe deep.

because you don't have the
right.
to tell a girl things
she does not really want to hear.

because brother-
you won't be here cussin'
and dissin' and playin'
if it weren't for a woman.

so shut up and watch me leave.

----------------------------------------------------------------
this poem is not as great as my other poems. i just feel like lashing at someone.
good night

twenty

2006-04-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

this poem is dedicated to the two people who made me write again. my lancelot and guenivire. the cosmopolitan tristan and isolde.

i would like to emphasize the fact... the very sad fact that in this damn, unfair world. we are only permitted to dream dreams once. and act out a perfectly good scene without cuts. without retakes.

imagine yourselves in a poetry bar. the stage is small, the lights, red and orange... flickering. the air smells like fruity perfume and cigarettes. you sip cheap beer from the clear, plastic glass. to relieve yourself from that terrible pang that makes your insides twitch and turn.

the announcer sits on his table with a chunky cigar on his lips. he is crying

man: damn those things they say about destiny.
fuck destiny. screw those things they call promise. spit at those cards that end in forever.
(the announcer throws the cards) this is my story.

a girl runs on stage. she is dressed in white, she has jet black hair and a pale face

girl: (bongos play a slow, steady beat. the girl looks above)

"then you left"

alone

darkness is no stranger to me,

all that is left of me is memories

nothing but silly, foolish movies in my mind

that i play...

again

and again

and again.

i walk around the streets

everything is black and white.

there are no flowers,

there is no YOU.

you told me that

"i will always be in your heart"

and

"we will always have these memories to hold onto"

SCREW THAT!

memories of you will never

keep me warm on a rainy night

and it will never be as warm as you...

your hands.

it won't guarantee my sanity, love.

everything is topsy-turvy.

the girl falls down. she struggles to get up

I LOVE YOU!

but i cannot.

i can't trust you.

i can't believe you.

because everything is bleak

no answers

no repose.

love, it's just a phase.

but how painful a phase it is.

you think...

silence is nothing? silence is calm...

silence is the noise of heartbreak.

everything was fine. even dandy.

we were happy.

but...

this act was played... late?

then you left.

then there was silence.

and all i had to do... was close my eyes and cry.

to take it all in. to partake of it by myself.

the audience snaps their fingers and the girl bows

---------------------------

hope you like it :)

nineteen

2006-04-25T16:37:00.000+08:00

"la nuit nous avons volé le temps"

(cheri, you know who you are..)

i don't understand this fact...
why do we avoid each other's eyes

i guess it is suffice that we are left to see
but not touch.

it would not be proper i thought...
but you thought otherwise

who would have thought that a short simple stroll
could be absurdly enchanted?

everything was perfect
everything felt like it was meant to happen
everything felt like the first time...

it felt like being seventeen again.
it felt like a first kiss.

the dust from the street and the smoky air
the dim streetlights
it was chiseled out of an avant garde scenario

but darling, it was a dream scenario

where being twisted is good...
and feeling twisted is rewarding...
burglary was rewarding!

whether it was the smoke or the alcohol talking to me
or whether it was the "irie" feeling holding my hand
i am thankful.. it was you.

jusqu'au prochain baiser, chéri
c'est une chose triste et triste pitoyable
qu'il ne va pas se produire encore

(until the next kiss, darling
it's a pity sad, sad thing
it's not going to happen again)

because we only dream dreams once.

il est un beau, intemporel et moment intense, amour
(it's a beautiful,timeless and poignant moment, love)

it felt like walking on clouds, that night.

i therefore name that night, our night"la nuit nous avons volé le temps"
(the night we stole time)

--------------------------------- :)
hello! i finally got this posted. the blasted computer won't cooperate last night.
but anyway... i learned two important things while i ruminated on this poem. the most important was-

that when your guts tell you that a certain moment's going to happen once. don't deprive yourself. fall easy on destiny's hands. it is rewarding.

the other one is... the best things in life most of the time happen at night, and are free :)

this picture is dedicated to this moment.

eighteen

2006-04-09T22:14:00.000+08:00

hay

i have been uninspired lately, so there. i have been trying to write a short story this summer. typical COSMO-ish plots... i want it to be published by i am so struggling with the plot!

but anyway, i have been having lots of nice thoughts in my head. simple accidental lines that cross my mind- whether it be in the shower, mall or walking. but i have n0t written all of them down.

i am having a mental constipation, i can't write poems... another poetry hiatus now.

i need something... or someone to be my MUSE :) applicants??? :D

seventeen - book tally

2006-02-28T15:07:00.000+08:00

one of my new year's resolutions is to read about 30 books this year, here are some of the books i have read so far:

1. cecilia ahern: PS, I love you
2. sophie kinesella: confessions of a shopaholic,
the undomestic goddess
3. bob ong: alamat ng gubat
abnkkbsnplako (aba nakakabasa na pala ako)
ang paboritong libro ni hudas
bakit mahilig magbasa ng baliktad ang mga pinoy
stainless longanisa
4. COSMO books: by tanya ft serring: between dinner and the morning after(?)
almost married
by melissa salva: tough love

11 books! YEHEY!

sixteen

2006-02-25T19:31:00.000+08:00

on a blogging roll, baby.

these past few days have been the most restful and productive days of my college life. i actually feel inspired for a damn good reason. very good, chesca. very good. *clap clap clap*

i've been saying damn, shit, hella, imma, yer, yah and o'curs (of course) a lot for some silly reasons.

i've been wanting to write a proper poem. but a "masa" or tagalog poem makes my adrenalin run faster.

i dedicate this poem to my country, the Philippines

paano magreklamo ang bulag?
by: kang

tumaas ang presyo ng karne, isada't gulay
nag-pseudo rollback naman ang langis
mga hinayupak kayong mga kompanya-
paano kung ang masa'y umurada?

masarap siguro kumuha sa kaban ng bayan.
masarap din mag-rally ng walang dahilan
'BAGSAK si GLORIA,
wala kang kwenta GMA
MARTIAL LAW na itech-
200 pesos at pancit para sa sisigaw nito
150 para sa estudyante dahil may padala naman si 'tang
galing batangas.

WELGA ang bayan-
walang iwanan-
masang pilipino
nalunod sa katangahan!

brother, sister... tara! babuyin natin ang EDSA.

patalsikin natin ang presidenteng "may K" para lumaki uli utang natin

at para masira ang malaking itinaas ng piso natin-
dahil hindi naman itinuro saamin ang GNP.

dahil lahat kami nagugutom,
dahil ang mga mahal namin- namatay sa ultra

sisihin si wow-wow-willie!

PUKSAIN ang ABS-CBN!
manira uli tayo ng pangalan, bru...
kung nasira na natin si gloria,
mamaniin natin si genny lopez,
ay!!!! kaladkarin na rin natin ang pangalan ni lord.

kiber sa mga tao sa leyte. bakit?
puwede naman nilang sisihin kay gloria 'iyon diba?
basta ako buhay ang pamilya't may pang sugal.
extra lang sila... paparamihin pa nila-
yung pagdadasal ko sa quiapo.
leche.

wala namang makakapigil
sa naghihimutok na masa!

dahil kami ang masang pinoy ngayon

bulag. mang-mang. pera lang ang katapat.

----------------- i know it's angsty. i'm not anti- masa. i'm just anti- stupidity

fifteen

2006-02-24T19:52:00.000+08:00

(left to right: marian gacayan, kang sarmiento, francheska baquiran, kris dongallo, ana marfori) also known as F4... the hell?!?! (spoofed up. beefed up! HELL YEAH!)

this is my high school barkada. although i met them 2 years before i graduated- they made those two years really special *sniff*

it goes like this:
marian is vaness (she's so peppy)
i (kang) am jerry
cheska (or mae as i usually call her) is vic
kris is san cai/ barbie (the hair!)
ana is ken (aw my gad! the jaw line!)

i would like to apologize for not "making paramdam" for so long... damn, i miss you guys. i know it's too late for thank you's and i-lurve-you's but thank you for being there, and accepting me in your barkada :) i love you guys.

"nostalgia" mode ends now...

fourteen

2006-02-23T18:03:00.000+08:00

This is a special song:

Ngayong gabi

by: BMR

Maari ba kita, Ilabas ngayong gabi?
Kay tagal ko na’ng pinangarap
Makasama ka, kahit sandali
O puede mo pa ba
Pagbigyan ngayong gabi
Pilit ko man ‘di ipakita
Halatang matagal na ako sa’yo naakit

CHORUS
Hiwaga ng iyong ganda
Lagi kong pinipinta
Tuwing ako’y natutulala
Tuwing ako’y nag-iisa
Pilitin ko man limutin
Lalo lang umiigting
Ang hiyaw ng aking damdamin
Na ikaw ay makapiling

Sikat ka na palaNakita kita sa tv
Tatanggapin mo pa kaya
Ang paanyaya sa’yo ngayong gabi
Sa may ‘di kalayuan
Magkayakap ng mahigpit
Nais ko sana ipadama
Ang init at tamis ng aking mga halik

Repeat CHORUS

Ngayong gabi, Ngayong gabi
Puede ba kahit na sandali?

----- it encapsulates what i am feeling now.
wherever you are, you know who you are. i will never forget you.

thirteen

2006-02-14T13:19:00.000+08:00

my god! whatever happened to being inspired.

my hiatus is finally OOOVVERR.

feel like writing today... and, lo and behold. it's valentine's day. one of the days i despise truly.

special mention: thank you kit pinili (my pervert friend) for giving me a rose :) remember that on this day of hearts, you and trisha will recieve good karma.

has anyone watched memoirs of a geisha yet? if you have any pictures (from the movie) please send them to my addy: kangcanwrite@yahoo.com the movie rawks. ken watanabe is a hot general! hahaha.

the poem.... after the period of depression

the geisha way
welcome to my world of flowers and willows
where love has no room
and illusion conquers

where disloyalty can save a life
and destinies are defunct.

this is my way, the geisha way.
it may be not the noblest way, but this is the way i know to live my life.

my way, where appearance matters,
where even a flick of my wrist is seductive.
and keeping a danna would save you from hunger

i always hunger
for true happiness,
for sincerity.
for reality to enter my
flower and willow world.

this is my way, the geisha way.
it may be ritualistic and lonely. but it is where i am doomed to live in.

white make up, blood red lips
i am a dream
a kimono that costs more than you, charcoal black hair
i am a lie
ornaments that dangle from my head,hard and wooden shoes that let me float higher
i am a geisha

twelve

2005-12-06T18:05:00.000+08:00

many things have been happening to me lately and i want to write about something sad.

friends tell, di'ba roxy? :)

Scared... just simply
by:kang

i'm scared to death that you might forget me
or the simple laughs we shared.
i'm scared because you
like something i don't

i don't want to force myself to feel happy
for you
and...
bro- i'm sorry.
i'll just let you be... as i let myself be me.
angry and disappointed.
but furtively...
part of me wants to talk to you
...
but you just do not want to talk to me.

i won't lose you.
and i promise you... you won't lose me...

eleven

2005-11-30T16:15:00.000+08:00

because of very persistent friends... kris, mae... thank you for kicking me ^_^ metaphorically speaking.

i went to ana... or should i say "marfy's" debut party at istana/isatana bali beach bar and resto sa club 650 in libis :) it was super fun! i danced like hell! i met david and rani too... atenean friends of mine. i missed mae! but i know she's coming next month. oh yeah! the missing piece of my life puzzle will be complete... :) how cheeeeeeesssyyyyyy!

i am going to write a poem about what i am feeling now..

what is anticipation?

ten

2005-11-03T13:39:00.000+08:00

i went around and did a lot of stuff over the past few weeks...
-i went to a resort in laguna called "BANIO KREEK" with my tropa
and met good peeps!
-i recieved money (always good)
-i shopped like hell (and will be shopping more)

but for some reason... i don't feel inspired

sorry.

nine

2005-10-14T16:12:00.000+08:00

Moonlight Bay
Doris Day
Words by Edward Madden
Music by Percy Weinrich

We were sailing along on Moonlight Bay
We could hear the voices ringing
They seemed to say
You have stolen her heart
Now dont go way
As we sang loves old sweet song on Moonlight Bay
(We were sailing along on Moonlight Bay)

(We could hear the voices ringing)
(They seemed to say)
You have stolen her heart
Now dont go way(As we sang loves old sweet song on Moonlight Bay)
We were sailing along on Moonlight Bay
We could hear the voices ringing
They seemed to say
You have stolen her heart (You have stolen her heart)
Now dont go way
As we sang loves old sweet song on Moonlight Bay
(Sailing through the moonlight on Moonlight Bay)

---- if you're like me, a bored to death person splurging in cartoons... you would know that this song was featured in hey arnold... the episode where gerald gets his toncils removed.

eight

2005-10-05T17:40:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i get the feeling that i was weaned on bad luck and paranoia.
it is a damn miracle how i could force myself to smile and look at the bright side of things.

at times i'm sick of playing pretend that everything will turn out okay.

but... is it absurd to conclude that pretending to be full of sunshine keeps me alive?

if anyone of you watches samurai x... you'll understand what i am about to say.
i feel like i'm the real version of the pollyana henchman of shishio- i think the boy's name is soujiro... no matter how many times he gets hit, or abused.. he still manages to smile. because he claimed that it dampens the pangs the pain brings.

here's to pain (i feel like a pink goth... :p)

i try to look at the sun
by:kang... the pink goth :)

i try to look at the sun when they say bad things about me
and when they step on my self-esteem train
and claim: "we didn't mean to do so."
when people look at me and jeer about how dirty my uniform is
or how i don't seem to care how they feel

why is it so hard to please you?

moreover; why is it so hard to please me?

i try to look at the sun when there is no food on the table
and oily food on the fridge.
when i cook food: it magically disappears.
i try to look at the sun when my stomach churns
or when i realize i have not got enough cash to get a fix...

why is it easy to hunger for the things you don't have?

think about it... why is it hard to swallow what you've already got?

i try to look at the sun when my mother backstabs me
or when people judge me according to the girth of my waist
and the fat in my calves.
when my enemies want to cleave the entirety of my dignity into quarters.
i try to look at the sun when i cannot see "him"
there for me.
because nobody likes "him"
for me.

tell me this... why is it difficult to make people understand your good intentions?

and why is it a breeze to destroy others' day by being apathetic and rude?

i try to look at the sun when i feel blinded by the bad things around me
because i'd rather be blinded by hope and optimism (even if you do believe they died ten seconds ago) for my good cause.

i try to look at the sun... my sun.
even if there is a rainbow, a moon or a star up in the sky...

simply because... like me and my hopes...
the sun's light and energy won't go out...
even if it wants to.
just because... it has to... or rather...
it just stays lit and warm
for other people to see it too.

---------hey... i feel better already! :)

seven

2005-10-04T19:14:00.000+08:00

this is an extremely mawkish song....
i don't know how people would react but
this song was stuck in my head the whole day

hehehe... cheers.

oh and yeah,... the tagalized version of my sassy girl
will premiere in my birthday... october 19

talk about novelty mania
"I Believe ( I Love You )"
Jimmy Bondoc

I believe na ikaw lang at ako
Kung kaya't tayo ay pinagtagpo
I believe kapalaran mo'y ako
At sana ay ganon din ang puso mo

Noong una’y hindi mo ko gusto
Kaibigan lang ang turing mo paano na ako?

Chorus:
Araw-araw maghihintay
hawak lamang
Ang sinabi mo baka mahal mo rin ako
Tama na sakin ang minsa'y binigyan mo ng pag-asa
basta't mahal kita
Ikaw lang at ako ang magsasabi ng i love you…

I believe may ibang pangarap ka
At kay tagal laging di nagkikita
Kung saan ka dalhin ng puso mo
Asahan mong ang pag-ibig ko'y sayo
Lumipas ang araw at parang kaytagal
Sa mga bituin nakatingin kausap ay ikaw

(repeat chorus)

Ang buhay ko'y ikaw kailan pa man
Kahit tayo'y magkalayo
Tadhana na ang syang daan ng pag-ibig mo'y maramdaman
Basta't ito ang pangako ko……

(repeat chorus)

Ikaw lang at ako ang magsasabi ng i.. love you

six

2005-10-03T12:13:00.000+08:00

this week is finals week. i can't bear the thought of having to leave my classmates and spend time with my mon and my brother (the wicked queen and evil stepbrother) gives me the chills. eeewwww... there are some things i look forward to though... there is the pd2b outing, gangga's birthday and my birthday. have i told you that my best friend, jigglypuff and classmates won't be there???!!! BULLSHIT!

leche

i don't feel like giving you a flower right now :(

oh... i promised you...

so here goes

my faded heaven
by:kang

judgement day on the 19th.
last scantron on the 8th.
last chuckle maybe now.
i can't imagine life without the rallies or the
days
i spend with you.

so forgive for feeling
overly melancholic
and being obsessive about my past memories

leaving utopia
entering pompeii

leaving the jews
holding hands with mormons

i hate my existence

blood flows down my blue skies

heaven got infected by AIDS
and is slowly dying

---- i can't believe this!

five

2005-10-01T21:31:00.000+08:00

before these wonderful thoughts evaporate from my brain.
i would like to post them.

i dedicate this to my mom, it's her birthday today

HAPPY BIRTHDAY mama. i wish you well.

happy b-day, d-day
by: kang

'eto ang tulang walang saysay

'eto 'yung tulang nakalimutan lagyan ng sukat.

marapat lang 'tong basahin.

'wag mo na akong balahurain.

naisip ko na may nagbertday sa kabilang bahay

nangangamoy sangre ang paligid

nalaman ko na lang pala ikaw 'yon.

nabalitaan ko na nagsunog ka nananman ng tawas.

wala na rin akong paki.

bahala ka magtunaw ng utak

bahala ka nang maginternet na parang walang bukas

parang totoy na sanay sa hapet.

happy birthday

magpaka-nanay ka na sana

--- i know it's oozing with contempt, but hey... MY BLOG! ^_^

four

2005-10-01T20:51:00.000+08:00

dear blog...
i am so sorry for being a negligent prick. i promise you, that i will twist all the folds in my brain to write you beautiful poems that you can proudly boast of, everyday...

--kangy

here are some "flowers" to "appease" "you"

...

i never should have let all those shallow things get to me.

i am home. :)

here is post four...

-for K :) .now i write

mirror image

by:kang

this weak hand forgot to scribble,

this weak hand.

this lifeless hand,

lost its vivacity.

this plain hand,

this tired hand

skin on the sides bitten by

nervous, stressed teeth-

bloodied, bruised and rough.

i look at this ignorant hand

and tell myself...

what have i been doing?

can all those things change this

world-

that forgot how to smile?

that is bloody,

like my hands?

tired and calloused.

i look at my hands in a mirror.

i put my hands on the cool, glassy surface of the mirror.

and remember your hands.

tired,

bloodied.

like mine.

thank you, kuya k for making me want to make my blog... "work" again :D 'hope you liked the poem!!!

a guest post! very good!

2005-06-23T19:43:00.000+08:00

this poem is from a friend of mine who loves poetry too. if you would like to send poems to me, you people can e-mail me at kangcanwrite@yahoo.com... and please do comment!

this entry was untitled so i'll be copying it verbatim!

There is no goodbye
For you and I.
No departure;
No such thing as a farewell kiss
Nor a parting embrace.

There is only a melody,
Somber
As the sea at dusk;
Whimpering,
Fading,
Rising,
Only to die again
In the arms of daylight.

There is only a melody,
Distant
As the jewels of the night;
Bellowing,
Echoing,
Rasping
Recollections
Of evenings better and bitter.
There is only a melody,
Elusive
As fireflies,
Furtive
As spies,
Wily
As lies.

There can be no goodbye
Between you and I
Only a waltz
To which we cannot dance

>>>> ain't the poem pur-tee???!!! ^^;; made me wish i could write like that too :D

three

2005-06-21T19:50:00.000+08:00

Ilog Pasig

What is it that makes you sad?
May I ask you what tickles your fancy?
I look out of the jeepney window
and look at
your body,
how your hands- so long and withered
reach long forward.
your tears have dried up and took the form of rubbish.
what have they done to you?

I look at you outside the jeepney window
and the moon shines on your surface.

Melancholic wonder.

-this is for a friend of mine who doesn't like to smile too much. smilesmilesmile!!!

two

2005-06-20T20:39:00.000+08:00

sakay sa MRT
baba sa cubao
lakad doon.

tumingin sa tubig baha, baka may dumi sa
face.

remedyohan ng face powder
lagyan ng blush on...

if it is not cheeky red enough...

sige kurot dito kurot 'dyan!

leche late na ako!
i still have class for this and that
may paltos ang mga likod ng paa ko
kaya penge ng
OK na band-aid.

hanggang kailan ako magsasayang ng oras?

'eto ang buhay ko. paki mo? ulol.

------the title of this is "estudyante"
my first attempt to write tagalog contemporary free verse.

one

2005-06-20T19:35:00.000+08:00

what is in a smile that makes other people
like
or don't like you?
are they offended by the fact that
you are too much
SUNSHINE
or they can't
bring any
SUNSHINE
into their lives
or grace some
in others' as well.

i wonder...
what will become of the
fake documents seller;
the oily faced boy;
the child that sleeps on the street;
the boy in the computer shop who blows
all his money for one measly game...
what will become of them as soon
as all the rain has gone?
and the sun stops shining...

when the moon peeks
slowly...
telling all the little stars
"hello. please stay with me.
the lights from this city might
kill your light.
so. stay close."

the moon smiles at the stars
i smile at all those people
i meet on the street.

a smile can mean well,
for one thing.

but for people so dry and deprived
it can mean the world to them.

even the moon needs the stars
to smile
so she wouldn't cry out much
dew.

i love to smile.

zero

2005-06-10T23:43:00.000+08:00

first poem to get the ball rolling

the spring

i am thinking about

pretty white flowers

that sway obediently

when the wnd blows.

The flowers that stand out

perfectly

in the middle of

the green meadow...

white flowers

that grew from

the ground...

feeding on the remains

of the pretty white flowers

that died before them...

2:03AM

June 4, 2005

2005-06-10T13:18:00.000+08:00

this is a test